There Goes My Heart Again

It’s so hard to be so in love and be hundreds of miles apart from each other. Josh and I do not share some mediocre connection where we simply exist and tolerate each other. We are so much more than meets the eye. First and foremost we are TRULY best friends. We have both told the other things we swore to take to our grave. He knows both my angels and my devils, and vice versa. That is hard to find in anybody, but I feel especially more rare when you are lovers as well.

The intimacy we share is unparalleled to anything I’ve ever experienced with another human being on Earth. I’m not necessarily speaking of the physical kind, but that part is great as well, he knows how I feel before I utter a word, he knows when I need to talk about something, he knows when I just need to be held and cry, he knows when I just want to have fun and cut up, he also knows when I just need silence. Silence can be uncomfortable between two people, if it is misunderstood. I actually consider this to be one of the most treasured intimacies we share, because to sit in silence and be comfortable with someone is indescribably valuable.

I knew from our very first date that I wanted to marry him, and some part of me knew that I would. May sound weird, but it’s true. We just click. I can always be myself, and nothing really shocks him or turns him away. He exudes confidence and love, and I absolutely love that about him. Even after 11 years together, he still makes my pulse race. I attribute our relationship to God, and always will. God knew we needed each other. I’ve never felt more gratitude or been happier than the day we got married. I pray the Lord blesses us with many, many years together.

After losing your whole family, you realize how valuable time truly is. It’s not something that can be bought, or replaced, and each of us carry our “time story” with us. You can not put a monetary value on that. I say that to say, I’d much rather have my husband home than him be far away, regardless of how much money he can make. We have been fortunate that he has been home for ten years. Truly had he not been with his company for so long, I would have begged him to find something closer, but sometimes sacrifices just have to be made. And for me, time is the biggest sacrifice of them all. None of us are even promised the very next moment.

Somedays I do better than others with the separation and sadness I feel, and somedays it just outweighs everything in my heart, and it just makes me feel empty and incomplete a lot of days. We literally do everything together, right down to brushing our teeth. I miss everything about him. We have been through so much together. We have faced everything as teammates with one heart, and that has carried us through some of the darkest days of our lives.

I miss our late night deep talks. I miss listening to the radio and singing to each other. I miss the nights we just play each other songs that remind us of the other. I miss disagreeing on who’s turn it is to play the next song. I miss his spontaneity, like the night we literally danced in the rain, one of my “time stories” I’ll always cherish. I miss cooking together. I miss running the roads together. I miss his amazing sense of humor and his gift to make people laugh. I miss his companionship and the comfort of his arms. No one has ever made me feel more secure or safe than he has. I miss everything about him.

He is in every beat of my heart, yet there goes my heart again…….hundreds of miles away.

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